Shadow Heart
by brennan8319
Summary: "He could look at her face for a thousand years and never grow tired. Those freckles, her smile. Cal watched her as she beamed at him and felt the light in his chest die out." One shot


**This is one of my first LTM pieces I wrote. Just a one-shot mostly from Cal's POV about his unrequited love for Gill. **

**I do not by any means own this show. Or any other.**

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><p>He could look at her face for a thousand years and never grow tired. Those freckles, her smile. Cal watched her as she beamed at him and felt the light in his chest die out. For no other reason but for the fact that it was not his. Someone else was responsible for that smile. And it broke his heart to think on it. Gillian was happy, really happy for the first time in a long time and it had nothing to do with him.<p>

"Cal?"

He brought his eyes back to meet hers, surprised at himself for having drifted off in the first place.

"Are you even listening to me?" And still, that smile lingered on her lips; her eyes danced as she looked at Cal for any sign of acknowledgement.

"I'm listening, Love," he responded, his voice soft and low.

An attempt was made to reflect her high spirits but the effort pained Cal so that the plan was abandoned before it could reach fruition. She had been talking about him again. How wonderful he was. Funny, smart, kind. She was talking about him all the time lately. And this time Cal knew that it was different. He wasn't Alec or Burns. Or _him_ for that matter. Especially not him. He was safe; someone who could really make her happy - who was already making her happy.

The two friends sat side by side on the couch in his office. The remains of the day played in shadows on the floor, growing heavier as the time passed. It seemed, Cal thought, as if they dragged him down with them.

"Are you okay?" Gillian's question was sincere and the sudden look of concern that washed over her face caught Cal off guard. She still cared for him. Maybe not in the way he wanted, but it was there.

"You've been distant lately," she continued when he didn't venture a response. "Is it something I did?"

_Yes_, the word jumped into his throat and he fought it back with whatever resolve he could muster. _You fell in love. With not me._ His mind plagued him as thoughts of _what ifs_ twisted and teased.

"Of course not," is what he ended up saying. He felt her contemplative gaze resting on him and knew she didn't buy his negation any more than he did.

"Well it's my birthday tomorrow," her face brightened again as if on cue.

There was just no stopping it, Cal thought. The woman was bubbling over with giddiness. It was enough to make him want to curl up and die.

"Again?"

"I know it's a recurrence you'd rather live without but yes."

"What of it, then?" He rested his head in his hand as he watched her light up in front of him.

A warmth rose up from his middle and spread through his body. Cal wondered where he and Gillian would end up if they could start again. Would things turn out differently if his choices are less reckless? He didn't know what he had expected. Did he honestly think that they would be the happy, wholesome couple living a suburban life? He loved her. But it wasn't as if she would fall into his arms at the sound of the words. Gillian would need more than that. More than he could give.

"I want you to meet Damien."

Every muscle in his body tensed as he took the punch straight to his stomach. Of course that was what she wanted.

"And as a gift to me, I want you to be nice about it," she ended.

Her defenses were up, he noticed. She was expecting him to protest.

"Sorry, darling, but I've already gotten you something." A smile stole onto his face but quickly fell into submission as it was extinguished by the hurt that so comfortably resided there as of late.

"Cal," Gillian persisted, not entirely oblivious to his feelings on the matter but not in the position to compromise her own.

It was important to her that Cal and Damien not only got to know each other but that they liked each other. She didn't want to have to be caught in the middle as with her other relationships. This time she wanted it to work. The past few months with Damien had been pure bliss. He was everything she had ever wanted in a partner and more. In the beginning she was afraid to be happy, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But after the first two months, she slowly started coming around. He made her feel safe and she let herself fall. Her whole life she had wanted to be loved this way and finally she found the man who got it right. Gillian hoped that Cal would be happy for her and not put her in the position where she would be forced to choose between him and what was fast becoming the love of her life.

He looked up to find her staring at him, her mind racing behind her stoic blue eyes.

"Fine," he gave in with a heavy sigh, "I'll play nice."

Her demeanor lightened visibly and her smile returned. That awful, wretched smile. Cal almost winced at the sight. He didn't know how much longer he could endure the torment and was only grateful that because of Gillian's rose-tinted glasses, she couldn't see the slow death he was dying.

"Thank you," she rose from her seat and made her way to the door. "See you tomorrow," she said and started out.

Cal watched her perfect form fade from his line of sight and he stared at the empty doorway long after she had disappeared. Hoping for her to come back, say it was all a mistake, that she loved him, always has, did he love her too, and would he be with her, the way she wanted to be with him, could they have their happily ever after...

A caustic chuckle fell from his lips and ripped him from his reverie. Cal slowly rose from his seat and stretched lazily before pouring himself another drink. The night was going to be long. He could feel sleep dance its silly dance of avoidance as his thoughts tormented him. Alone again. As he usually was. As he will continue to be. Watching from the shadows as the woman he loved, loved someone else.

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><p><em>Please let me know what you think:)<em>


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